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Ribadu’s Comedy of Errors

Too Cold For Comfort

Author: Juliana Francis
Posted to the web: 10/2/2005 9:50:29 PM

My pal has finally made me to see the light where the issue of money in my life is concerned! All these while, I never knew the root of my poverty were my enemies. For close to three weeks now, I have been having problems of money distancing itself from me. Some weeks back, fraudsters collected a huge sum of money from me when I went to pay for an accommodation. I cried a bucketful until it dawned on my thick skull that crying would not bring the money back. I had malaria, lost my appetite and developed severe headache. Then, just when I was about staging a comeback into the land of the living after leaving the case with police, I got an invitation to Bauchi State for the Nigeria Media Merit Award (NMMA). I was nominated for the reporter of the year and columnist of the year. I didn’t want to go, but my editor bullied me into going. I thought it was better to stay behind and search for the fraudsters. But I changed my mind when he told me that win or lose; I would come home with some change. Anyway, I went and I didn’t win either category. But my pain is that once again, money took flight at the sight of me.The nice Bauchi governor, Adamu Muazu, not only almost spoilt us with food, he also made sure winners and nominees left with some change. Except for me! Somehow, my money got missing in the hands of some people. But they refused to fish out the person who short-changed me. Rather, they blamed the good governor’s aides. I left Lagos with nothing and came back with nothing! Friends say money detests me. They gave me cowries for my hair. I wear them now. The cowries, they say, will make me attractive to money. Please when you see me, don’t ask me to change my hairstyle… Anyway, anytime you guys visit Bauchi with your loved ones, be sure to visit the Yankari Games Reserve. It’s a love nest! Also ask for the Wikki natural spring. Imagine bathing naked in the moonlight!Listen sisters! Think seriously about this before you accept his proposal. It may appear juicy and tempting right now, but think of the forthcoming lonely nights. Would you be able to withstand the soulful serenade of temptation when it comes in that muscular form? Would you be able to remain faithful to your legal husband while he was miles across several oceans and wicked Mr. Devil had ruthlessly flung one Mr. Handsome guy right in your front? And the sort of man the Devil will fling your way will definitely warrant a second glance. He would not be the type that does not know how to dress and absolutely would not be one that doesn’t know how to please a woman in bed! But he undeniably would be one that wants to get his hands on the money your hubby sends from overseas after sweating his arse off! Sisters dear, some arrangements are just too cold for comfort, always remember that and never fail to regurgitate on it! Are you strong enough to withhold temptation? If not, please don’t even bother to accept his marriage proposal. You know deep down in your heart, you will hurt him by being unfaithful. And you sir! Rather taking the first available babe to the altar because you wish to marry or fulfill some silly requirement by the embassies for travelling, try to study your spouse.I have heard too many stories of women cheating on their husbands that travel overseas to last me a lifetime! I know there are some ladies who can’t possibly stay a week without s-x, let alone 365days! If you’re one of such, sister, then such kind of marriage is out of the question for you.Would your pillow be able to satisfy the cravings as it mounts each day? Are you going to thrash, toss and turn in the bed until morning, as you long for your man? Oh good, perhaps you would take a cold shower, grin and continue with your day. Which one have you been doing since he left?Yeah, he went overseas to look for greener pastures and because you so much want to walk in the corridors of power with people in money—The Rich—you bade him goodbye and Godspeed as you return home to wait. Even before a month had gone, you’re already dreaming of him sending you pound sterling and dollars. For all the money in the world, I wouldn’t want my hubby to stay away from me! What about if I lose him because of the money? How am I sure he would not fall out of love with me and falls in love with the woman he claimed to have married to have a yellow, green, red or purple card? What did you say? That I have insecurity complex? So what? Let me have and still keep my man!Honesty, I can’t for the life of me, understand the gripping fever to jet out to other countries. Even with hurricane Katrina, Rita, Monica, Angela or what have you, ravaging those countries. Visit any foreign embassy today and I’m sure you’d find my brothers in a long queue for visa.I am one of those who does believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder. What nonsense! How on earth can it grow fonder, when someone’s image had overshadowed yours? You think because he says he married the foreigner because of one silly coloured paper, it stops him from falling in love with her? Think about it sister before you walk him down with him to the Airport. Yes, I know he’s nuts about you right now, but what would happen in a year’s time? Or do you foolishly think once he gets to the land, he would scoop gold, silver and diamonds on the streets and start hightailing back home? No, sister. He had probably been gone for five years, if not more. Imagine five cold years or more without him. Yeah, I know, he says he would be back before a year runs out but how sure is he?You wonder why I’m writing this? Well, I will tell you. I hear things. And when I do, I get worried. I think about the players in the things I hear and I also think of the children who are later to be those badly affected and probably scarred. Someone just walked into my office today. He wanted me to do a story on his wife. He built a house in Naija and kept the deed of the house with her. He left her with their three children and jetted out to Japan where he stayed a year. Yeah, it is true he was sending money and calling home sometimes to know how his family was. Yes, you could say he was playing his husband role to the gilt. He was, all except in the one vital way that matters. When it comes down to telling ourselves the bitter truth, we would all agree that where s-x is concerned, money comes secondary. True or false? I say true! I f you say false, please raise your hands…. yes…yes… I can’t believe that I’m seeing some hands up! Jeez! You there…you’re a hypocrite!I heard the babe took a lover, connived with him and sold her hubby’s house. She left her hubby broke and a destitute when he came home. Last two weeks, a young man in his early thirties walked into the police station in Ikeja. He came to report his wife to the police. The babe took a lover, sold her husband’s houses and cars and didn’t see anything wrong in making do with the money her hubby sent to her to give to his friends and family members. His case was so bad, that he had to squat with friends after arriving Naija. Imagine begging in the streets after thinking you kept millions in the care of your loving wife.Tough life!At the SCID, I also heard the story of a woman who has a hot pant. Her hubby spends most of his time overseas. The man has made it so big in money, but still he keeps traveling. The lady knew her weakness. S-x and money. She started taking lovers. One of her lovers bolted with some of the millions her husband sent for a special project. She reported to the police. Gave the investigating police officer (IPO) all the money he could ever asked for to facilitate the cracking of the case and still banged him senseless. I am sure the police man would be saying, ' God don butter my bread!' Personally, I think it’s sheer depravity to cheat on your man for whatever reason. No matter how long he was gone. If you can’t cope with the waiting and fighting the s-xual hunger, which I know is not easy, please discuss it with him before he starts the plan to jet out.So think deep before accepting that too cold for comfort proposal. Once you marry that man, you have his happiness in your palms. Be careful so that you don’t break his heart because you have an itching honey pot. And if you can no longer wait, please don’t allow your lover to impersonate your hubby’s wealth. Let him make his…

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